"You push my buttons": Managing Anger and Reactivity in Intimate Relationships
Let’s face it: No matter how hard we try to stay calm and composed, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. And when one person gets angry, it usually leads to defensiveness or anger in the other, escalating into an argument. We stop communicating about the issue we started with, and it becomes all about how we are talking to each other. Does that sound familiar?
I can remember arguing with my spouse and the next day not remembering what the argument was about—only how angry I felt! When we talked about it the next day, it turned out she had the same experience! It is vital that we have skills that can help us manage our emotions—especially anger and frustration. While these are normal, natural emotions to experience, expressing them unchecked can often cause significant damage in our relationships.
Let’s first explore the emotion of anger a bit more closely.
Understanding Anger
Anger is a natural emotion. We need to be able to recognize and not judge it. Blaming the other person (or ourselves) for feeling a natural emotion only compounds the problem. Also, accepting it allows us to recognize that it’s going to arise, and therefore, we need to have skills to deal with it.
When I was in graduate school, I worked in a research lab that studied infant emotion development. (My advisor, Carroll Izard, literally wrote the book, Human Emotions.) We see clearly identifiable, cross-culturally similar expressions of anger at a very young age—even at just a few months old, but certainly by 6 months.
One way to understand anger is to see it as our natural response when there is something we don’t like or want to change. In the young infant, it may be needing food or attention from a parent. As an adult, it may be the way your partner loads the dishwasher!
The question is: How do we express ourselves when we have anger? Do we lash out? Criticize and blame them? Call them names? Or, are we able to calmly let them know what it is that we don’t like, and what we would like instead?
One metaphor that I like is to see anger as a “finger pointing.” It tells us that there is something we don’t like or something we want to change. It’s important that we listen to this and be able to communicate our needs and wants with our partner. But we want to be able to do this in a way that they can hear and be receptive to.
Tips for Handling Anger Effectively
Take 3 deep breaths. It helps to hit the “pause button,” and this is one quick way to do this. Also, deep breathing—even a few deep breaths—will help calm your nervous system.
Resolve to stay calm. Having a clear intention can help you to maintain calmness no matter what is happening around you. It can help to have a phrase or “mantra” that you can repeat to yourself: “I am calm,” or “I am relaxed.” If you find yourself getting off track, you can remind yourself of this phrase or intention and come back to it.
Ask your partner if they are willing to “dialogue” about what just happened. Speak with your partner softly, slowly, and simply so that they can hear your concerns. And be willing to listen empathically to their response. Note: This may not be easy at first, but with practice, it will become more natural.
The Neuroscience of Reactivity
How we experience and express anger is very much influenced by our environment—particularly, our family of origin. Very simply, if you grew up in an environment where there was a lot of anger, you will be more likely to experience it and express it yourself. You will be “primed” for anger.
Neuroscience teaches us that “neurons that fire together wire together.” Our brain is literally wired to repeat patterns of emotion that we have experienced before. We also have something called “mirror neurons.” The way these work is that when we see others expressing an emotion, we feel them ourselves. So again, if we grew up with a lot of anger, we are more likely to experience it ourselves.
Can We Change Our Patterns?
Here’s the question: Can we control how much or how often we get angry? I think the answer is yes and no. Like any feeling, anger is a wired-in response that we can’t fully control. But with awareness and intention, I believe we can significantly change old patterns.
I like to describe this in two ways—one based in neuroscience, and one based on ancient spiritual (Buddhist) practice:
Neuroplasticity: Neuroscientists teach us about “neuroplasticity”—the brain can change itself! We can, in fact, change old patterns of neuronal responses with repeated new experiences. In short—if I repeatedly have, or create new positive experiences, I can change how I react to certain events.
A personal example: When I was younger, I had very strong stage fright any time I had to speak in front of a group. Now, after many years of teaching, leading couples workshops, and public speaking, I experience just mild anxiety when I speak publicly. Many people report that they have learned to be more relaxed with meditation, deep breathing, and so on. These techniques can also help with anger management. In short, we can train our body/mind to be less reactive to upsetting events.
Watering the Seeds: There is a Buddhist teaching that goes like this: We all have within us the “seeds” of various emotions and states—anger, fear, joy, love, compassion, etc. How much these seeds grow depends on how much we water them.
If we are constantly feeding our anger with negative and critical thoughts about the other, then that will grow tall like a plant (or weed!). On the other hand, if we water the seeds of compassion with thoughts of kindness and understanding, then that will grow stronger instead. And if something has already grown tall, if you stop watering it, it will wilt and die.
We are always watering seeds—in ourselves, and in our partner. The question is: Are you paying attention?
With awareness and effort, we can begin to grow the feelings and experiences we want in ourselves and in our partner. Of course, it helps if our partner is joining us in the process. But we can only control our own thoughts and behavior, so start to work on this yourself and hopefully share it with your partner.
I would be happy to work with you if you could use some help or coaching for your relationship. Please contact me directly at 303-717-5651 or CultivateLoveAndJoy@gmail.com to see if we’re a good fit.
Acceptance and Change in Couples’ Relationships
I often tell couples that two things are simultaneously true: You need to (radically!) accept your partner for who they are, and you both need to be willing to change!
So how can both of these things be true at the same time? As with many things in life, it’s all about balance.
The Power of Acceptance
It is crucial to accept your partner for who they are, not who you wish they were. Here’s why:
We all need to feel loved for who we are. You know this about yourself—and trust me, your partner feels the same way. When you try to "help" your partner change—to be more responsible, neat, rational, or sensitive—they likely experience it as rejection or feeling "not good enough."
Core personalities are to some degree "wired in." This is a practical reality. You wouldn't ask your blue-eyed partner to have brown eyes. If they are fast paced and you are slow paced, it’s unlikely that they will become more like you in the long term. Even if they try, the change won't last long.
If you plan to be together for many years, you must accept the whole person—the parts you like and the parts you don't.
The Necessity of Change
Having said all that, we are all capable of making changes. We can grow and evolve throughout our lifespan.
Notice I said our personalities are "to some degree" wired in. It is possible to change our habits and nurture underdeveloped parts of ourselves.
My own personal example:
When I was younger, I was rather shy and sensitive, and I always identified as an “introverted” person. Now, in my 60s, friends are surprised when they hear me say I am an introvert. Over the years, I’ve learned to be more expressive, social, and able to engage with others for longer periods. I will probably always need alone time to recharge (a typical introvert’s trait!), but I have changed a great deal in that respect.
The Balance: Challenging Your "Shadow Side"
Often, what your partner wants from you may actually be good for you!
We often partner with our “opposites” in various traits, and our partner is calling on us to develop our “shadow” side. Whether it's to be more emotionally expressive or to contain your emotions; to be more logical or to ease up on being so intellectual; to be neater or less picky—these challenges offer opportunities for growth.
The key is asking for change in a way that doesn't make your partner feel judged, criticized, or pressured. This is where communication tools, like the Couples Dialogue process we teach in counseling sessions, are so valuable.
Summary
We need to be able to ask for what we want from our partner, but it must come from a ground of acceptance and not from a place of criticism and judgment. Navigating this dynamic is a big step toward developing a thriving and harmonious relationship.