Acceptance and Change in Couples’ Relationships

I often tell couples that two things are simultaneously true: You need to (radically!) accept your partner for who they are, and you both need to be willing to change!

So how can both of these things be true at the same time? As with many things in life, it’s all about balance.

The Power of Acceptance

It is crucial to accept your partner for who they are, not who you wish they were. Here’s why:

We all need to feel loved for who we are. You know this about yourself—and trust me, your partner feels the same way. When you try to "help" your partner change—to be more responsible, neat, rational, or sensitive—they likely experience it as rejection or feeling "not good enough."

Core personalities are to some degree "wired in." This is a practical reality. You wouldn't ask your blue-eyed partner to have brown eyes. If they are fast paced and you are slow paced, it’s unlikely that they will become more like you in the long term. Even if they try, the change won't last long.

If you plan to be together for many years, you must accept the whole person—the parts you like and the parts you don't.

The Necessity of Change

Having said all that, we are all capable of making changes. We can grow and evolve throughout our lifespan.

Notice I said our personalities are "to some degree" wired in. It is possible to change our habits and nurture underdeveloped parts of ourselves.

My own personal example:

When I was younger, I was rather shy and sensitive, and I always identified as an “introverted” person. Now, in my 60s, friends are surprised when they hear me say I am an introvert. Over the years, I’ve learned to be more expressive, social, and able to engage with others for longer periods. I will probably always need alone time to recharge (a typical introvert’s trait!), but I have changed a great deal in that respect. 

The Balance: Challenging Your "Shadow Side"

Often, what your partner wants from you may actually be good for you!

We often partner with our “opposites” in various traits, and our partner is calling on us to develop our “shadow” side. Whether it's to be more emotionally expressive or to contain your emotions; to be more logical or to ease up on being so intellectual; to be neater or less picky—these challenges offer opportunities for growth.

The key is asking for change in a way that doesn't make your partner feel judged, criticized, or pressured. This is where communication tools, like the Couples Dialogue process we teach in counseling sessions, are so valuable.

Summary

We need to be able to ask for what we want from our partner, but it must come from a ground of acceptance and not from a place of criticism and judgment. Navigating this dynamic is a big step toward developing a thriving and harmonious relationship.